The book of WHCC

by Paul Fortescue

1:1. The phone will ring on Friday night, and it will be Hankins, and there will be much shenanigans, and crap excuses, and thou shalt ruin Walshy's evening also.

1.2. And Tradition said, thou oughtest try bloody hard to win the toss, then chase, for that is Tradition

1.3. And there will be much questioning and wailing and gnashing of teeth about 'Selection Policy'

1.4. And Damo will come down from the Chairmans seat, bearing the tablets of policy, and they shall be blank.

1.5. And the Couch will say "Hmm mmpph hhpph ..." and other such sayings being only understandable by .......Couch.

1.6. And at 12.30, the skipper will say "Bollocks, forgotten the [Scoreboard, balls, bails, teas, scorebook, maps......]"

1.7. And at 12.40 the opposition will say "Right then, we'll bowl"

1.8. And the team will say " Paul, you're a crap tosser - get someone else to do it"

1.9. And not enough runs will be scored, save by one or two players who will be in the 2nd XI next week

1.10. And there will be more crap excuses and gnashing of teeth for their will be insufficient sausage rolls and cakes.

1.11. And there will be speeches and utterances from all and sundry.

1.12. And there will be victory, and much joyous celebration, and embarrassed apology for comments made in the heat of fielding

1.13. And there will be letters written, to league and Council, and **** *** done by any of them

1.14. But pause, because in the great scheme, these matters will count for naught.......and WHCC will finish 3rd by many points.

1.15. Because in the big games, flaccidity will rule and the team will be stuffed by the top two teams.

1.16. ....Ding dong..ding dong........RAFFLE!!

1.17. And two hours after the team return the club, the 4th XI shall finish

1.18. And Walshy will chunter about the fielding

1.19. And Smithy will chunter about the fielding

1.20. And Worgy will be outside, drinking Castle with the 1st XI in his Versace shirt

1.21. And much beer will be drunkened, but the bar steward will be not much in evidence

1.22. And there will be much discussion amongst the Captains regarding "Selection."

1.23 And in the great judgement at the end of the season, 11 games will have been won

1.24. And in most seasons, 11 games will have been enough

1.25. And there will have been great performaces

1.26. Andy Mouzoures and Gihan will have scored over 150 to win the game at Chertsey, and Gihan's dad will have come all the way fro Sri Lanka to give two very fine LBW decisions at his end.

1.27 And against Weybridge, Ian vd Walt and Jayson will have a great partnership, to move the target from 100 to 161. And Helen and Bronwynne will neck virtually a whole bottle of pimms on the sidelines, and the scorebook will get progressively more messy as the afternoon wears on. And the chairman will be there to see his 3rd XI upset Weybridge greatly.

1.28 And against Chessington much aggravation will be stored up for next season at Goldsworth Park

1.29 And against Leatherhead, Jayson will take 4-16, and hit their Captain in the head, and then try again as the Captain refuses to put on a helmet.

1.30 And against Sanderstead, Wearny will take 5-29, and Zafar three catches, and Worgan will score 76* and bright and dazzling will be his hair and Qas will notch up a very useful 47*

1.31 And against Esher the highest score shall be 17, and the total will be pitiful

1.32 But again Cheam, Ed Smith will descend from the 2's and take 6-22 at the Wheatsheaf, including 4 bowled

1.33 And at Camberley Dunbar will take 4-45 in 19 overs, and Gribbler will emerge to score 63*, and Des will demonstrate Truncheoning.

1.34. And Guildford will score a shed load of runs, and the rain will come and so will Chad.

1.35 But at OMW, Usman will score 34 in a determined fashion, and Couch will take 5-36 as a remarkable victory will be secured.

1.36 And Rob Staples will score 106 against Dorking in the sunshine with Dunbar's bat, and Couch will take all the wickets and finish with 9-41 and everyone will be completely knackered because of the heat.

1.37 But at Wimbledonians, nobody will turn up, save for Matt Allan, who will score 50.

1.38 Worcester Park will see Awais score 89 and Trevor Woods, 45. Fortescue will take 6-49 and Dunbar the final wickets in a tense 3 balls left finish.

1.39 And in the end, the team will play Old Emanuel, if they can be bothered to turn up, and the team will bat in reverse age order, save for Dunbar and Woodsy who will swop. And Couch will be gutted to score only 6, and Munge and Worgy at 9&10 will score loads to resuce the side from 112-8.

1.40 And then Peter Allan will take his first wicket in the modern era and the team will win by 10 runs in another good close finish.

1.41. And there will be a Karaoke. Oh dear!


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