Kaqan Zafar 76no
Jason Anderson 51
Maneeb Kaleem 6-38
Lost by 1 wicket
Man of the match Maneeb Kaleem
First thing in the morning my mobile phone rings and flashes up with my boss’s name. Gulp, I’m in the smelly stuff as I was watching the test match down the pub on Friday afternoon when I should have been in a meeting. No, to the contrary, my boss states that I should take the rest of the week off so I can concentrate on the big carnival match for the weekend, cricket is far more important. Sod the credit crunch, go and get some league points.
Spend the rest of the day, albeit almost arrested as I survey some of the W&H colt lads by watching them play British Bulldog in their school playground.
Meet Damo, Jerry, Piers and Chairman of Selectors Tony at Lords to pick our relevant teams. Piers gets the hump as I pick Des instead of Stuart Broad, he wanted him just in case it kicked off at the park. However, he gets to keep Ramprakash even though all the hype suggests he should be playing 3rd team cricket at W&H. Frankly, I’m getting extremely fed up with should he or shouldn’t he play in the 3s, he had a good run for us a few years ago and just couldn’t cut the monster munch.
At the press conference, live on Sky, is fronted by Tony with myself, Damo, Jerry and Piers either side of him as he announces the 4 teams for Saturday. Matt will announce the Sunday team separately on Setanta Sports; the club sold the Sunday games on a separate TV package.
Damo deflects a difficult question from the Daily Mail about picking Doug instead of the in form Jimmy Anderson, whereas Jerry gets flak from the Sun about him and his next door neighbour’s cat. A bigger concern to the Telegraph was the sanity of his new keeper Salam, frankly a middle order nutcase. The Woking review asks Piers if he could open the Horsell parish summer fete in July.
In the morning go to the Loughborough centre for some additional training. Unfortunately, Woodsy and his chip fat uni mates appear all stellad up and start bowling chips at my middle order of Kaqan Zafar, Jason Anderson and Kevin Peterson.
Rodney Marsh flies into the country to give Ben Revell specific keeper coaching. He explains the rudimentary of drinking XXXXs during test matches and the benefits of slamming down the VBs and Fosters to enable good glove work. For some reason Munge and Damo turn up wanting to learn the basics of keeping.
I release myself, Samad and Jason for the 20twenty match later that evening for the W&H Red Lions. Unfortunately, Mark Worgan fails to turn up for the match. It took him 6 pints of Stella before he realised the rest of the team won’t with him and that he was playing for the Red Lions and not meeting there. Again, another insight into the club’s serious ginge drinking problems.
Me and the team do several interviews and photo shoots. My favourite one is with FHM. Several centrefold pictures taken with me fully dressed in my W&H kit with the Npower girls scantly clothed getting a good grip of my bat.
Jason Anderson does an interview for Channel 9 in Australia; he’s now the new Oz pin boy now Jamie has decided to join Jerry’s ranks (boo!). Dave Bennett is interviewed by Basil Brush on CBeebies (Boom, Boom!). Whereas, Mandar appears on a celebrity version of Deal or No Deal and comes away 10p richer.
The team and members of the club meet in the evening to record a song ‘One Lion on the Shirt’ we’re going home, we’re going home, One Lion on the Shirt, Carnival Trophy still gleaming, we’re going home, we’re going home.
The song is a fusion of metal, emo, classical baroque, Latin American incantation and the theme from the archers. Paul Weller guests on the single as a tribute to Woking’s new big band. Melody Maker, Classic Rock and NME predict it to be biggest song of all time.
Damo rings me up stating that Lords is double booked and the 1s are playing there and not the 3s. Gutted, buts its ok as its just another Damo wind up and in fact they are playing at the Oval as its easier for his team to get there and the 3s will be gracing the home of cricket.
Mysteriously all the Npower girls’ photo shoots have gone missing (that’s unfortunate, wonder how that could have happened!) and FHM insist they are redone. Never mind, the things I do for the team!
After a light net with Maneeb and Monty meet up with the team at the Savoy hotel for a quiet stay over before the big match
Finalise our future tour programme and appearance fees; negotiate £1million per match, which £900k goes to the skipper. Rumour has it the WPL, Woking Premier League is desperate to get the W&H 3s into their league and have offered in excess of £5 million per match.
Paul Weller, Bruce Springsteen and Foo Fighters perform pre match concert.
1.30 ‘One Lion on the Shirt’ plays as the players walk out. W&H win by a convincing 500 runs, the skipper weighing in with his maiden triple century!
What a week, who said being a W&H skipper was unglamorous and hard week!!!