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Welcome to the Woking and Horsell Cricket Club website

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
            F Mercury

W&H        203-8        Andrew Murphy 41, Steve Wernberg 40
Spencer    108-7        Jack Matthews 3-25        W&H Winning draw

To date there have been no further investigations or charges brought forward in relation to spot fixing mentioned in last week’s report. However, unknown player J drove to the T20 match last Tuesday. He doesn’t normally drive to matches and again it’s believed that he now has a car is a complete and utter coincidence. He has been quoted to say He’s in Love with his car. He has also privately denied these allegations although his name wasn’t mentioned player J came out and denied them, odd, how did he know it was him the report was referring to? He also admitted that he had tickets for the Bicycle Race as well. Um!

Anyway, to this week’s match against Spencer. It started off badly as meet time for this away match was 11.15 but John who had a dispute with his barons about the ice creams and magnums in his carta turned up at 1215 with a grey seal rather than a red one. Even though he bowled well against them a few weeks ago somehow he managed to lose the Duchy of Normandy en route. However, he was the only player to follow instructions of wearing Jack’s underpants during the weekend celebrations.

Also there was a Breakthrough in the Stephen and Matilda dispute. Both wanted to be captain and Matilda felt she had a better claim to the title then Stephen had. Whereas Stephen felt Matilda was a Fat Bottomed Girl with no right or claim to the captaincy.  However, they agreed the Show Must Go On and that Mike would inherit the title if Stephen was injured during the match.  There was talk of succession planning last week when Another One of Stephen’s Princes of the Universe bite the dust.

Under Pressure from good opening bowling from Spencer the opening batsmen Mike the Lionheart and Tom the Confessor battled on.  It’s amazing what he admitted during that innings. It was an amazing effort from both batsmen, they wear the W&H lion badge with pride, they are heroes and had One Vision to get W&H off to a cracking start. However the Lionheart played down the Metropolitan rather than the Jubilee Line and was slayed early on in the battle. Thankfully Munge’s, (wearing two shirts as he didn’t want the baying crowd to think he was nervous rather than cold,) Kind of Magic continued by smashing Earl and John Spencer’s bowling who were both more akin to spending time at his Althorp estate and playing snooker respectively. Stephen batted further down the order this week to rest his Flash Gordons after last week’s injury hit one run more than 39.

With good contributions from Sagar and his six bats, Indy Ironside, Jack Harefoot and Prince of Whales & Dolphins Qasim W&H got a credible total to defend against another team that would be challenging for the title. When the innings closed all rode forthwith to the banquet at the round table. Unfortunately, Angus the Unready, son of William who likes oranges burnt the haribos. We would have to Tie His Mother Down if she knew the disgusting way he was feasting. Whilst another Starmix was devoured from the end of his knife he shouted out A Haribo, A Haribo, My Kingdom for a Haribo.  I suppose another letter of complaint to the Cricket Committee in the post coming then.

Before we embarked back onto the pitch Stephen stood and gave his troops a rousing morale boosting speech. ‘My loving team, we have been persuaded by some that are careful of our safety, to take heed how we commit ourself to armed multitudes for fear of treachery; but I assure you, I do not desire to live to distrust my faithful and loving team ... I know I have the body but of a weak and feeble Captain, but I have the heart and stomach of a 4th team Captain, and of a 4th team Captain of Woking & Horsell too, and think foul scorn that Spencer or Wimbledon, or any player of Old Sinjuns should dare to invade the borders of my realm’

The players couldn’t fail to be inspired and the bowlers went Headlong into battle. Union Jack pants hooping both ways and John wearing them at the battle of Sledgemoor.  When Spencer was about 70 for 6, unfortunately there is insufficient information in the doomsday book of the fall of the wickets a stray arrow hit Stephen in the eye or was it the shoulder. Unfortunately Sagar could not complete the tapestry in time as Stephen went down like a sack of potatoes ready for the chip pan.  Before you go Oi you are repeating the story from last week, I’m not, honest, it happened again.

As he hit the deck he cried Save Me and Who Wants to Live Forever. A worrying contradiction was he going Radio GaGa? The players stretchered him from the battlefield and the last message to the failing captain was Keep yourself Alive. Now Matilda’s rightful heir was in command and with an inspired movement of the troops another Spencer wicket fell.  However after one over from the battlefield The Miracle of all Miracles happened. As he appeared Angus the Unready hollered Stephen’s Alive, why he had to do it in a Brian Blessed voice I never know.

Normally when you are on the battlefield and you hear that your leader is still alive it increases morale and destroys the oppositions. This was not the case and the rest of the match was boring with the exception of Angus the Unready three bouncing opening delivery that turned sharply past the keeper and 1st slip after the third bounce.

We Will Rock You  
Jack & John opening spells to give us a massive inroad into Spencer batting line up. It’s a shame we couldn’t capitalise on it.

I Want to Break Free   
A few contenders, Angus three time bouncing twirler, Mike allocating Stephen’s back with freeze spray like he was undertaking graffiti art, can you tell what it is yet? But….Stephen arrow in the shoulder moment. I think he’s ok now?!

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